Daughter Urges Mom To Be True to Herself
by Linda Lambert
I met a number of interesting women, among them a technical writer named Elisabeth Starnes, the owner of the accent. She created and maintains Dial-A-Dyke, and is a friend to all, especially to us, who have newly come out. I told her how supportive my 18-year-old daughter, Deborah, had been and continues to be. Elisabeth met Deborah at the book group. A few days later Elisabeth wrote the following letter which I print, with her permission and with Deborah's.
Dear Deborah,We are honored to meet many women as they take the first tentative steps out of the closet. Like grass growing through asphalt, they come seeking light. Most of them have no idea how it will be in the world, but they come anyway, because they must.
Your mother arrived at our house for book group in October, a little nervous, but determined. It took a lot of courage—she didn't know us, or any women who would be there. By the end of the evening we had exchanged stories and were on the way to developing what we hope will be a long friendship.
She told us that night that you had gone with her to PFLAG where she learned about the Dial-A-Dyke hotline, and that you had encouraged her to be true to herself. When I met you I wanted to tell you a lot more than just, "Good on you," which didn't begin to express the respect I feel for you, and what you are doing for your mother. I am in awe of your grace.
It's pretty much a cliché that the greatest gift we can give another is the gift of life. The usual expression of that is from mother to child. It is much more unusual for a child to give this gift to her mother, but that is what you're doing. You are helping her be born to herself, to become who she really is, and to be happy about it. There is no greater gift than that!
You are a very special person to understand how to do this. Many mothers endure a certain amount of abuse from their children who have been indoctrinated by a homophobic society. The children's disapproval doesn't change anything, but it causes distress and distance from the one they love. How much better that we encourage people to be themselves, to follow their hearts.
Mothers need nurturing too, but most children are so self-absorbed they never notice. When a mother comes out as a lesbian, she risks everything. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that my children never wavered in their love and support, but they are so much older than you are, and have nothing to lose, many miles away. I admire your strength in standing up for your mom.
It can't be all that easy with your classmates. That you are willing to stand firm in the face of possible rejection, even ridicule, shows how much you love her.
Good on you, indeed! You will always be a hero to me.
Affectionately,
Elisabeth
I was so moved by this letter to my daughter, for it describes her so well. When I left home after our time together, I looked down the road and, would you believe it, there was a rainbow arching over Birchwood Avenue.
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