Finding Myself
by Annie (from Sept/Oct 1999 Heartbeat)
As Mom parked the car in the church parking lot, I tried to slow my pounding heart. Fear gripped me. My face went hot and my hands went cold, and my heart continued to beat frantically. I looked over at Mom and she looked panicked. She reached over and grabbed my hand. Then we got out of the car and walked toward the entrance. Never had I been so frightened in my entire life. I was faced with all of my fears and I knew that I had to walk into that building and finally be true to myself.
When we neared the front door, my heart stopped. Sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette, was someone I knew. I realized that I had been holding my breath and I had to remind myself to breathe. There was B, my friend from freshman year. All of my hopes that I would remain anonymous vanished. Here was someone I knew and I couldn’t very well run back to the car after he had seen me. I tightened my grip on Mom’s arm and pushed forward.
It seemed to take forever and a day for us to reach the door. I remembered a night just as frightening. I was lying on my bed, crying in my dark bedroom. The blackness seemed to radiate from the walls. I felt the other side of the bed dip and a weight settled there. It was my mom. She touched my shoulder.
“Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“I can’t. I just can’t,” I said.
“Let me guess. You think you might be gay,” she whispered.
I nodded and my terrible secret spilled out. Now she knew that I was gay. I had waited so long to unload this on someone that emotions welled up inside of me and I began to sob. It seemed as if an eternity had passed before I felt her arms wrap around me.
When she finally spoke again, I could almost hear a smile in her voice but I was still terrified. I knew that I couldn’t really come out for quite some time. The people in my town were very homophobic. Just a few months before, a girl had been attacked three houses down. Two girls beat her up because there had been a rumor that she was bisexual. How could I come out at a time like this? Matthew Shepherd had just been murdered. There was no way.
None of my fears about my mother’s reaction were realized that night but I knew that I had many such moments waiting for me in the future. This was one of those moments. It was our time to come out together.
The interior of the church was very clean. The air was warm but my hands were cold and trembling. I felt like I was outside my body, looking at myself walking across the carpet. There was a big wooden structure holding the name tags of all the members in the middle of the foyer. I noted that all of the names seemed very nice. They didn’t threaten me. some of my fears lessened.
We stood awkwardly at the back of the room until someone approached us. B’s mother, K, welcomed us and suddenly we were hugging! This was not what I had expected. I thought that I would quietly sit in the back and only speak when spoken to. With a crowd like this, I couldn’t be anti-social. I found myself smiling, but my anxiety had yet to ebb. I still had to speak the truth.
There was a circle of chairs in the middle of the room. Mom lead me to one and I proceeded to collapse into it. I thought that maybe I would get a moment to collect myself. No, of course not. It seemed as if there was an endless procession of people wanting to welcome us. They all had smiles on their faces. Some were gay. Some were not. All of them were extremely kind.
When I finally had a moment to think, I looked down and realized that I was wearing my Lilith Fair shirt. Immediately, I was transported to the Gorge Amphitheater. I could see the pink sky as the sun was setting, and the rain falling on the other side of the river bank. It was surreal to see sun on one side and rain on the other. The Indigo Girls were on stage. They were singing about someone hating them because they were gay and how it was all right. The crowd broke into applause at those lyrics. I opened my mouth and raised my fist into the air. Then, it occurred to me that my parents and my best friend were sitting next to me. They had no idea that I thought I was gay. I quietly closed my mouth and lowered my hand.
Returning to the present, I noticed that people were settling down. K introduced herself and said that she was co-president of the chapter of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Then the same-old “this is entirely confidential” speech. I took every word to heart. Now came the introductions. My time for true panic had arrived. I felt that I was beginning to hyperventilate, so I tried to slow my breathing. Nothing was working. I was sliding into a real panic attack.
Frantically I tried to regain composure but I was fading fast. I had to get a grip on myself. These people weren’t going to reject me. They were all either gay or they supported someone who was but I had never actually spoken the words aloud. I was torn. I thought maybe I could lie and say I was there for my cousin who is gay. No. I couldn’t lie anymore.
Soon it was Mom’s turn and suddenly my heart slowed. I realized that she supported me and my family supported me. That was all that mattered. My hands stopped trembling.
Then it was my turn. I opened my mouth and said:
“Hi, my name is Annie and I’m a lesbian.”
The weight was suddenly lifted. I had finally spoken the truth and I had lived to tell the tale. I felt light enough to fly. I really smiled for the first time in almost a year. I had found myself at last. I was finally home.
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